Habit 5: Seek First To Understand, Then to Be Understood

Summary of Habit 5 of 7 Habits: Empathic Listening

Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is a foundational guide to personal and professional effectiveness. Habit 5, “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood,” is one of the 7 habits of highly effective communication and is crucial for building strong relationships.

He discusses that the habits of highly effective people are essential for personal and professional growth, with Habit 5 standing out as a key component for effective communication and relationship building. Covey emphasizes that most highly effective people listen with the intent to understand, not just to reply, which is vital for resolving issues and fostering trust.

In this habit, he gives the concept of empathic listening because it helps to deeply understand the viewpoint of others effectively. Empathic Listening is a form of communication in which one listens with the intent to fully, really, and deeply understand what the other person is saying. It involves getting inside another person’s frame of reference, seeing the world from the other person’s perspective, and truly grasping the other person’s point, feelings, and words.

Effective communication plays a major role in the success of any organization. The concept of being understood is equally critical to achieving win-win solutions in interpersonal communication. People normally spend too much time reading and writing but don’t give much attention to listening, which is undoubtedly the key factor. People typically seek to be understood rather than to understand, but Habit 5 teaches the importance of reversing this approach.

Listening provides the platform to understand what other people want rather than focusing only on what we want. The essence of Habit 5, seek first to understand then to be understood by Stephen Covey, revolves around prioritizing understanding others before seeking to be understood oneself, because it helps the decision-making process.

Generally, people tend to think about what they want to say during the entire listening process because they presume that the other person ponders the way they do. Often, we filter what we hear through our own experiences and own thoughts, which prevents us from truly understanding the person’s perspective and causes us to miss the other person’s point and the context of the conversation entirely. Or, maybe we want to understand, but we lack the necessary skills required to comprehend how differently other people use to think.

If you listen to people with a genuine desire, then you will be completely astonished to see how instantly they open up because they know that you are giving them complete attention. True listening involves moving beyond pretending, ignoring, or selective listening to hear the meaning behind the person’s words and understand the person’s point of view. Covey explains that when we listen to a person, we generally listen at one of four levels: Ignoring, Pretending, Selective Listening, and Attentive Listening, with empathic listening being the highest form. Spending more time listening—sometimes up to 90% of the time listening—allows us to fully understand the other person’s point and perspective.

Ineffective communication can result in misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts. Poor listening can lead to distant relationships, estrangement among family members, and hostile workplace cultures.

So, let’s talk about the first part, which is how to understand others the right way.

“You can’t understand someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”

Dr. Covey addresses this issue by recommending three critical things:

1 - Develop the Pure Desire to Understand

If you listen to the other party with a genuine desire to understand them, you will be completely astonished to see how instantly they open up because they know that you are giving them complete attention. Empathic listening involves listening with the intent to fully understand the other person's perspective and feelings.

2 - Reinforce Our Own Character

Character strength means becoming aware of your own wishes and favorites so that you can avoid them and be on the receiving end.

3 - Create an Emotional Bank Account

When you deeply understand someone, you create the feeling of being deeply understood, which significantly increases the possibility of forming an emotional link with them. This process is essential for building trust, as it helps to eliminate the barriers of misunderstanding and maximizes the chances of gaining more trust. Creating an emotional bank account through understanding enhances trust and reduces misunderstandings in relationships.

Effective communication is essential for building trust and rapport in relationships, both personal and professional.

Communication comprises four basic types:

• Reading

• Writing

• Speaking

• Listening

According to Covey, a lot of training is given regarding reading, writing, and speaking to improve communication, but there is no such training for the all-important listening part.

The Concept of Empathic Listening

When we listen to a person, we generally listen to one of four levels:

1 - Ignoring

2 - Pretending

3 - Selective Listening

4 - Attentive Listening

Covey wants to draw attention towards the most important fifth level, which is empathic listening because it helps to see the world from the other person's perspective so that you can recognize how they feel.

Most people concentrate on the autobiographical response while listening instead of the empathic response. They advised on behalf of their frame of reference rather than understanding the person's perspective. The problem with this is, the other person didn’t have the vision to see their perception, and they start to believe that you don’t put real effort to understand them.

Covey, in this book, also explains an example of a father and son. In that example, the father was trying to help out his son, but the communication goes the wrong way. The main reason for that is because the father was trying to give suggestions to his son on the basis of his experience. He completely ignores the situation of his son, which makes things difficult for the son to rely on the opinion of his father.

Skills of Empathic Listening

Empathic listening cannot be mastered in a day. As you practice empathic listening, your Circle of Influence begins to expand, allowing you to be more open to others' perspectives. There are some outstanding skills that you need to practice so that you can enhance your empathic listening capabilities listed below:

1 - First Skill – Mimic Content

This is the first and foremost skill of empathic listening. It's all about creating engagement with the listener by repeating back his words. This skill is not that hard because all you need is to listen carefully to the words of the speaker and repeat them.

2 - Second Skill – Rephrase the Content

The second skill is content rephrasing. It's like putting the meaning of listeners into your own words. This skill comes under verbal communication but is quite effective because it gives the feel to the listener that you are concentrating on what he is saying.

3 - Third Skill – Reflect Feeling

The third skill deals with emotions and feelings. This skill is more about what the person feels instead of what he says.

4 - Fourth Skill – Rephrase the Content and Reflect the Feeling

This is the final skill, which is a blend of both the second and third skills. With this skill, you can provide the psychological air to the listener because you not only rephrase the content but also adds the feelings in it as well.

Now come to the second part, which is how to be understood.

As seeking to understand needs consideration, similarly seeking to understand requires courage along with character, and quality.

According to Covey, being understood is not that difficult if you take care of the following things:

1 - Recognize the frame of reference of the speaker.

2 - Gain their trust on the basis of previous collaborations.

3 - Present a worthy rational argument to make it easy for people to understand you.

Seeking to understand is like your perspective is being heard. If it doesn't happen and the person simply ignores your point of view, then the best way is to simply say no because thinking of winning from there is about wasting your time.

Respecting Person Psychological Air

Respecting a person’s psychological air is a crucial aspect of effective communication. When we listen to someone, we need to create a safe and non-judgmental space for them to express themselves. This means avoiding interruptions, criticisms, or unsolicited advice. By doing so, we allow the person to feel heard and understood, which in turn, helps to build trust and strengthen our relationship with them.

Empathic listening is a key principle in respecting a person’s psychological air. It involves actively listening to the person, paying attention to their words, tone, and body language, and responding in a way that acknowledges their feelings and concerns. When we practice empathic listening, we create a sense of psychological air that allows the person to feel comfortable and open up to us.

Respecting a person’s psychological air also involves being mindful of our own emotions and biases. We need to be aware of our own emotional triggers and avoid projecting them onto the person we are communicating with. By being self-aware and empathetic, we can create a safe and supportive environment that fosters effective communication and builds strong personal relationships.

Key Principles for Effective Communication

Effective communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, whether personal or professional. To interact effectively, we need to follow certain key principles that help us convey our message clearly and respectfully, including seeking first to understand. One of the core principles is 'seek first to understand, then to be understood,' which emphasizes that to truly understand requires consideration of the other person's needs and perspective. Here are some key principles for effective communication:

1. Seek First to Understand: Before we can communicate effectively, we need to understand the other person’s perspective. This involves actively listening to them, asking questions, and clarifying their concerns. To truly understand requires consideration of the other person's needs and viewpoint.

2. Use Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication: Verbal communication involves using words to convey our message, while non-verbal communication involves using body language, tone, and facial expressions. Both are essential for effective communication.

3. Be Attentive and Focused: When communicating with someone, we need to be fully present and focused on the conversation. Active listening involves being fully present and focused on the conversation, avoiding distractions and preconceptions. This means avoiding distractions, maintaining eye contact, and paying attention to the person’s words and body language.

4. Use Empathetic Listening: Empathetic listening involves actively listening to the person, acknowledging their feelings and concerns, and responding in a way that shows we understand and care.

5. Be Clear and Concise: Effective communication involves conveying our message clearly and concisely. This means avoiding jargon, using simple language, and getting straight to the point.

6. Respect the Person’s Perspective: Effective communication involves respecting the other person’s perspective, even if we disagree with it. This means avoiding criticism, blame, or judgment, and instead, focusing on finding common ground and understanding.

By following these key principles, we can communicate effectively and build strong, meaningful relationships with others.

How Habit 5 Helps In Real Life

Let's consider an example of a designing company. In order to become a successful designing firm, it is quite essential for them to listen to their customers empathically so that they really understand what their customers want. If they don't do that, then they will be wasting too much of their time on revisions because customers will not be satisfied until they don't get the desired design. It seriously costs a lot to the business.

Outcomes from Habit 5 Seek First to Understand then to be Understood

The key consequence of habit 5, seek first to understand then to be understood, is not only to listen attentively but to listen empathically, because attentive listening alone doesn’t have the power to communicate efficiently. Misunderstandings and miscommunication occur when we fail to understand other people properly. When we do not listen attentively, we may overlook important emotional cues that are essential for understanding others. Being understood is equally critical to achieving win-win solutions in interpersonal communication. When we listen to someone, we often think we have a solution, but by practicing empathic listening, we open ourselves to new insights and deeper understanding. Instead of coming up with the answer instantly, it’s better to take some time out and understand what they are really looking for.

Key Takeaways Of Habit 5

It is best to be understanding towards others, rather than only focused on being understood. By adopting this practice, we can respond to the other individual in an efficient way. It allows the listener to completely understand what the speaker is saying so that an appropriate answer can be given by the listener. Habit 5 teaches us to listen before we speak, emphasizing that a high degree of empathy and understanding is essential for effective communication.

• In order to be successful in business, empathic listening is the key. It helps in understanding the issues of the clients competently so that businesses can offer the best solution and build good relationships with them.

• With empathic listening, you not only get the benefit of understanding other people’s frames of reference but also comprehend their feelings behind the message as well, which helps in building a bridge of trust between the listener and the speaker.

• Besides organizational benefits, empathetic listening also helps in strengthening the personality of the speaker. Paying attention to what the speaker is saying helps boost the speaker’s self-esteem and confidence.

• While talking to a person, it is better to comprehend first instead of composing a response. Empathic listening can be done easily because it allows you to focus on what the person has to say.

• Letting the speaker finish without interrupting and understanding what they have to say is what Covey describes as empathetic listening. You should always be understanding toward others in order to be understood. To be understood, one must recognize the frame of reference of the speaker and present a rational argument. Habit 5 encourages us to practice empathy, consideration, and courage in our interactions with others. It helps the speaker realize that you are interested in what they are saying, and their ideas and words are important to you.